annoying is the new black
I must be officially at the end of my rope with this book thing. People and their questions are making me feel very, very bitter and sarcastic as of late. Maybe it's the cold snap up here in the suicide capital of the world. Whatever it is, I just have to say that if anyone asks any more stupid questions about the book, I am liable to GO OFF on them.
I thought my rock-bottom worst customer service moment came over the summer when some woman asked me if it was an autobiography. She had already purchased the book, it's not like I was losing the sale, just my reputation as a nice person (?) -- anyway, I actually closed the book, pointed to the words "A Novel" that are right there on the cover, and said, "NO, it's *a novel*" -- underlining the words with my (index) finger for emphasis. But that wasn't as bad as the last person who asked me that: I just stared at them, sighed, did one long (you freaking moron) blink and looked away, and started talking to the next person.
Then last week I get this call from a local county agency, this woman, a social worker type, says she wants me to come talk to the clients/inmates/whatever of theirs. She said they had heard of my book and I "have an incredible story to tell." I said, so is it like a prison book club, or what? You want the story of the writing and publishing of the book, or what? "Oh no -- your story: losing your best friend to AIDS, losing your twin brother at birth, surviving all of that, your addiction and recovery." My fists immediately clenched, as did my jaw. I can't help it. I closed my eyes, counted to ten. "This is A NOVEL," I said, evenly, trying not to scream. I tried to tell her that yes, I am a recovering person, as is about 10% of the US. And all that means for me is that I maybe used a few too many chemicals in high school and quit. Not that I have "A Story." At least not one with a capital S, not one worth writing, and certainly not one worth publishing. I mean -- we all have "a story" -- like we all have lips. But there are lips (you and I), and there are Lips (Angelina Jolie). No one wants to pay a zillion dollars for these lips. Angelina's yes, mine no. Most of the population no. As is with this whole "my story" crap. So of course once I clarified that with her, that there is no twin and there is no dead best friend, she rapidly became very uninterested.
Which is FINE with me.
I just don't GET people.
I do get JK Rowling, and maybe I'll fashion my next book after the HP series, so outlandishly not my life that no one will ask if it is. Do other writers get this hopped up about this line of questioning? I know I have a bad attitude and a great deal of people-loathing, but still, even for the most tolerant, patient, people-person types, can't this get old and annoying?
I am trying to work on this next book/whatever, and am now just seething -- I may need to make the narrator a male. A male dwarf. From Japan. A male dwarf amputee burlesque singer from Japan. With a lisp and naturally curly red hair. Maybe that would shut people up.
OH, and if that weren't enough, what about the people who look at the title and go, "Ooh, I just love beachglass!" There's some idiot on Amazon that has my book listed with all the coffee-table books on seaglass and beachcombing and such. Do people not understand metaphor? Symbolism? That the book is not about the beach, glass, beachglass, or anything actually found at the ocean's edge? THAT THE TITLE IS NOT LITERALLY WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT???
What are we coming to that these are the issues I have to grapple with? Can't a girl just bust out a few pages of fiction and call it good?
I thought my rock-bottom worst customer service moment came over the summer when some woman asked me if it was an autobiography. She had already purchased the book, it's not like I was losing the sale, just my reputation as a nice person (?) -- anyway, I actually closed the book, pointed to the words "A Novel" that are right there on the cover, and said, "NO, it's *a novel*" -- underlining the words with my (index) finger for emphasis. But that wasn't as bad as the last person who asked me that: I just stared at them, sighed, did one long (you freaking moron) blink and looked away, and started talking to the next person.
Then last week I get this call from a local county agency, this woman, a social worker type, says she wants me to come talk to the clients/inmates/whatever of theirs. She said they had heard of my book and I "have an incredible story to tell." I said, so is it like a prison book club, or what? You want the story of the writing and publishing of the book, or what? "Oh no -- your story: losing your best friend to AIDS, losing your twin brother at birth, surviving all of that, your addiction and recovery." My fists immediately clenched, as did my jaw. I can't help it. I closed my eyes, counted to ten. "This is A NOVEL," I said, evenly, trying not to scream. I tried to tell her that yes, I am a recovering person, as is about 10% of the US. And all that means for me is that I maybe used a few too many chemicals in high school and quit. Not that I have "A Story." At least not one with a capital S, not one worth writing, and certainly not one worth publishing. I mean -- we all have "a story" -- like we all have lips. But there are lips (you and I), and there are Lips (Angelina Jolie). No one wants to pay a zillion dollars for these lips. Angelina's yes, mine no. Most of the population no. As is with this whole "my story" crap. So of course once I clarified that with her, that there is no twin and there is no dead best friend, she rapidly became very uninterested.
Which is FINE with me.
I just don't GET people.
I do get JK Rowling, and maybe I'll fashion my next book after the HP series, so outlandishly not my life that no one will ask if it is. Do other writers get this hopped up about this line of questioning? I know I have a bad attitude and a great deal of people-loathing, but still, even for the most tolerant, patient, people-person types, can't this get old and annoying?
I am trying to work on this next book/whatever, and am now just seething -- I may need to make the narrator a male. A male dwarf. From Japan. A male dwarf amputee burlesque singer from Japan. With a lisp and naturally curly red hair. Maybe that would shut people up.
OH, and if that weren't enough, what about the people who look at the title and go, "Ooh, I just love beachglass!" There's some idiot on Amazon that has my book listed with all the coffee-table books on seaglass and beachcombing and such. Do people not understand metaphor? Symbolism? That the book is not about the beach, glass, beachglass, or anything actually found at the ocean's edge? THAT THE TITLE IS NOT LITERALLY WHAT THE BOOK IS ABOUT???
What are we coming to that these are the issues I have to grapple with? Can't a girl just bust out a few pages of fiction and call it good?
posted by wendy at 2:59 PM
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